Wednesday in the Word

Hello my dear Jello Beans,

How are you all doing? Last week was a very busy week at work, and my director was very gracious to allow me a few days off this week, so I am definitely taking advantage of this time of rest to rest. My husband has also been very good at keeping me accountable to my time of sabbath and doing things I enjoy - like posting on my blog, doing arts and craft, writing, and watching some TV.

I know my last post was rather somber, I think I am definitely still working through some of the feelings. Over the past couple of months, I did start seeking some help from a therapist - I think there definitely is a lot that I need to work through, and one of the things that I think all my friends are well aware of is my desire to have my wedding soon.

There are practical matters - we are already married, and we definitely shouldn't wait too long. My grandmother is very sick, and I don't want to be missing one more person from celebrating such an important day. And there's the matter of aging - I don't want to look older and older in a wedding dress, I want to be able to look as youthful and beautiful as I can.

But some of the more underlying things that I've been able to dig up through therapy has been pretty hard to face, and work through; if I ever can work through them. We talked about why I am in this industry - that even though every wedding brings me closer to tears of envy, why I feel the tears of joy I feel for my couples outweigh that. And to be honest, here's a confession that makes me sound crazy: I've been planning my wedding for ten years, now.

It all began when my dad told me that he wanted to walk me down the aisle before he passed. I had just graduated from UCR then, and was heading off to missions in Japan. My dad was afraid that it would be dangerous, and I promised him that I would be back, and he would be able to walk me down the aisle. I have been formulating what I wanted in my wedding since that day, though I wasn't dating someone at the time, so I never really had any concrete plans. That changed when I met J1, and we began talking about marriage, what we envisioned and where we saw ourselves. We even looked at rings together, and I felt like things were falling into place. That all shattered when he was forced to marry someone else by his parents, and that was the first time I felt like marriage was pulled from under me.

Then I met N. He seemed to want a future with me, and we discussed some things about marriage, but to be honest, I don't know if I really wanted to be with him that way. At that time, my dad's situation was getting worse, and all I wanted was to be able to grant his last wish of walking me down the aisle. N did not want to marry me so soon, and felt that me wanting to get married for the sake of my dad was wrong. I think our relationship honestly died with my dad, because I had no reason anymore to marry him. Over the years of our relationship, of course we grew a friendship and I cared deeply for him, but if I am to be honest, I don't think the break up broke me as much as it broke me that I couldn't fulfill my dad's wish.

Then came J2. During that time, my grandma was already starting to get sick. At that time, I was in my later-mid twenties, and the idea of the next person you date will be the one you marry just made sense. Not to mention, I caught the bouquet at my friend's wedding! Even before then, though, we were talking about marriage, where we would end up, and more aspirations like that. We discussed how we would want to raise our kids, what our wedding would look like, and even looked at houses together. I moved halfway between us in LA, believing that within the year we would get married, and move in together. But if you've been following my blog for a while, then you know that it turned out I was the side chick to his FIVE YEAR relationship. When she and I confronted him together, it turned out there was a side chick to even ME that he had been dating for almost six months at that point, and I found out they eventually did move in together. I was in a horrible state - we were planning our wedding that he very obviously never planned to go ahead with, and I was stuck paying rent in LA, too broke to move out, but also losing too much money living in the city. That was the second (and a half?) time that a marriage - and wedding - were pulled out from under me, and I fell flat on my back, my wind knocked out of me. To add injury to that, my younger sister tied the knot in 2020, about a couple weeks after the confrontation to J2.

Thoughts of am I unworthy of getting married? Am I unloveable? Unwant-able? Circulated in my mind, and I felt like I would never be able to finally get married to someone I loved, and that I would never be able to even give my dad a post-humus opportunity to walk me down the aisle, much less have my grandparents celebrate my wedding day.

My therapist told me that it seems that I found the root of why I am disappointed in not having my wedding yet with Jonathan (yes, I apparently have a thing for J-named men), but that still didn't get to the root of why I put myself into this position of always celebrating other couples in their milestones - engagement, marriage, children, etc.

I had to dig in really far to recognize how much the "golden rule" of treating others as you'd like to be treated resonated with me. I'd always tried my best to celebrate the people important to me - my parents' birthdays, Father's and Mother's Days, planning surprise birthday parties for my sister with her friends, staying up until 3AM baking cookies as Christmas gifts before Winter Break, buying my sister's prom dress since my dad had to retire due to his illness, making sure to buy her the best graduation gifts I could afford, driving 8 hours home to give her a birthday cake, giving as much as I could to my friends' for their wedding, scouring the internet for the perfect gifts on Valentines day and anniversaries, planning surprise celebrations for 100 days, and more. What I wanted - needed - was reciprocation. And maybe, a part of me hopes that in planning, coordinating, helping, and celebrating with others these milestones, I will also one day get celebrated.

But the truth is, I never have been. Not since I was 10. When we were younger, my dad would always make makeshift crowns and scepters to celebrate his princess' birthdays. But in looking back at pictures, I see myself always so happy for my sister on her birthday, whereas she would glare at me any time it was my turn to be celebrated. It was how we were able to easily distinguish whose birthday it was. I'd never once had someone throw me a birthday party since then, and the last one I had was when I threw my own birthday party at 29 to have staged content for my business. And then I spent my 30th in bed with COVID. The time before that was my 25th, when I also planned my own birthday celebration, and footed the entire dinner bill. And even maybe from these small things, the thought of am I unworthy of being celebrated? had begun to form subconsciously.

And now, maybe it feels like it's already the 3.5rd time that a wedding is being taken away from me, and it feels more and more like I was never worthy of being celebrated. That being married to me is nothing to rejoice about, not worth saving for, not worth even letting me try to celebrate. I know these are all thoughts that are in my head, and that Jonathan would never say, nor even think that way. I know that he wants us to eventually save up for a vow renewal instead in a few years, and that times are currently hard for him with his lack of a job. I know that he also has his own traumas of not having money to work through, and the thought of even saving up for a wedding while we're almost living paycheck-to-paycheck is scary. But I, too, am trapped in a never-ending cycle of lies that I will never be able to finally have a wedding for my dad, for myself, for my grandma because I was never worth celebrating.

In trying to reconcile these things, and steer my thoughts away from blaming, sorrow, and anger, I've been reading a lot through Psalm . The verse that comes to mind is:

I will give thanks to the LORD with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. When my enemies turn back, they stumble and perish before your presence. For you have maintained my just cause; you have sat on the throne, giving righteous judgment. -Psalm 9:1-4

I don't think I've ever had a problem with not blaming God - before and after I became a Christian, I always saw suffering as the fault of people, myself and otherwise. But I do think that while I am feeling down and upset about circumstances, I have a tendency to not give thanks. And sometimes I do lament - what is there to give thanks for? Logically, I can say that I am thankful that despite Jonathan not having a job, he has a contract that is supplemental to my income, and helps us scrape by. I know that logically, I can give thanks that we got married, but the bitter side of me says that I would have rather not gotten married and found someone else if I had known a wedding would be second priority to Jonathan after we got the marriage certificate. I know that I can give thanks that I did not drag N into a marriage he wouldn't have been fully loved in, and give thanks that Jonathan and I found our way to each other, but the selfish part of me wishes he could've gone through with marrying me so my dad could've physically walked me down the aisle.

I think recognizing these sinful thoughts are helping me in being able to work my way through these fallacies and lies. I'm still most definitely a huge work in progress, and it's comforting to know that Jesus never expected us to be perfect, finished works of holiness, but rather He came so that we have the grace and mercy to work towards it. I definitely don't expect J2 to "stumble and perish" before God's presence - I may have wished it at one point, but as a man of God himself, I'm sure he has issues he needs to work through with the Big Guy himself. That's no longer my concern, but between him and God. I think in the moment, it is easy to be angry with the people who we feel have caused transgressions against us, but it has been honestly healing to learn to have grace and forgive, because it means recognizing areas we, ourselves, are not perfect, either, but are loved fully by God. It doesn't mean that I will be best friends with J2 if we meet again, but I feel at peace in knowing that he is just having his own relationship battles with God, as well. I think I have to learn to also extend that same grace and mercy to other relationships as well - namely my sister, mother, and even Jonathan. It doesn't take away the pain, sorrow, or trauma, but it does allow for growth and peace. Unfortunately, that doesn't come with a handbook, and it's something I will continue working on with the aide of my therapist.

Therapy is "secular" in the sense that my therapist respects my faith, but I really don't know if she is a believer, and I don't think she's allowed to really talk much about it beyond what I believe. It is helpful though, to hear her input and reflect on the roots of my issues - what healing may look like, and what she thinks would be wise for me to think through in my sorrow and feelings of being trapped. I do think that God created us to have fellowship so that we can have conversations and learn from one another, though. I know I have reaped so many benefits from having an objective 3rd person talk to me through my feelings, and if she is not a believer, I pray that hopefully she also gets curious to get to know a God who reminds me to be thankful in all circumstances.

What are some things you are thankful for?